I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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