you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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