what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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