Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need to calm my uterus...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
