I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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