i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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