I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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