Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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