sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
