john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
