Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
