The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
