i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
