Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The air taste purple.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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