hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
