My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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