Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
