I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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