I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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