My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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