just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
