my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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