it's not cheating when I paid for it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
