Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
