I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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