Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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