Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
