1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
