I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Houston, we have a blender
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
