Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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