so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
