What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
