I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
