You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
