final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
