i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
