yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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