My friends, they love my intelligence
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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