i don't like sucking hair
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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