you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
