Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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