I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
