I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
