Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
