the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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