Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i think i have two assholes
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
