the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
