my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
