The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
