remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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