I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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