I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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