we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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