New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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